“This isn’t what I signed up for…”
I read this sentence in a new devotional I’m reading (The Path to Peace by Ann Swindell), and was transported out of the book and into my mind where I have been uttering this same phrase over and over again lately.
My 8-year-old cat has been sick for the past five months. As we continue to spend a boatload of money, time, and emotional energy on trying to get him healthy I’ve caught myself fuming, “This isn’t what I signed up for!”
That cold January day when I ventured to the Wisconsin Humane Society to see this adorable fluffy kitty that had popped up on the adoption website, I wasn’t going in thinking, “okay… I am going to pick an adorable cat who is going to have a bajillion health challenges.” No, I went in with the intention of adopting a cute kitten who I could snuggle and love and would keep me company while Chris was away for work.
I had no idea then that our sweet little Finn would become an irreplaceable joy to our family, but also cause incredible stress as over his short little life he’s endured a plethora of not-so-minor health challenges.
“This isn’t what I signed up for!”
I bet that every single one of you reading this could write your own list of “this isn’t what I signed up for.” I’ll go first:
I didn’t sign up for a hypermobile body that requires lots of work to keep happy
I didn’t sign up for a struggle with anxiety
I didn’t sign up for panic attacks
I didn’t sign up for eyeballs that need glasses to see
I didn’t sign up for being a highly sensitive person
I mean heck, we could use this for anything! I think we could even get cynical about some of our positive traits. I didn’t sign up to love writing and want to write a book (cause sometimes it feels like a big challenge even though I know it’s a gift).
I don’t know what would make your list of things you didn’t sign up for – but I want to encourage you that it’s okay to acknowledge that list and embrace whatever feelings come out of it. Compassion. Annoyance. Frustration. Sadness. Anger.
In my current circumstance, when those words fly through my brain, I experience both compassion and annoyance.
Compassion – Aww hunny, you’re right! You didn’t sign up to have a sick kitty. It’s been really hard over the past five months when your baby keeps coughing and having nose bleeds and you cannot figure out how to help him. Plain and simple, that sucks. It’s okay to be frustrated with your circumstance.
Annoyance – Ugh, Mindy. Knock it off. Sure, you didn’t sign up for this. But come on – you can’t predict what’s going to happen when you sign up for anything! Suck it up. You got a sick cat. You love him. You’ll deal with it. And it’ll be okay.
What I’m realizing lately is, both responses are okay. I can be compassionate and give myself permission to lament about the frustrating circumstance that we’re in, and I can also firmly remind myself that although I didn’t sign up for it, this is my circumstance to deal with and I am capable. **important note: this is a healthy response as long as annoyance or a firm reminder doesn’t evolve into shame (“ugh Mindy get over yourself because others are going through much worse than you.”) – because shame is never a helpful or appropriate response.
The important question is – what do we do once we’ve allowed those feelings to flow?
Do we sit in the “ugh I didn’t sign up for this” negative attitude?
-OR-
Do we acknowledge “yeah I didn’t sign up for this” and learn to embrace and find peace within our circumstances?
That is the question I am asking myself as I come off a stressful week with yet another nosebleed and CT scan for my cat, followed by a bout of diarrhea where I found myself wiping my cat’s booty more than I ever imagined I would.
I am tired of this situation. I am tired of having a sick cat. Part of me hangs tight to the angry “I didn’t sign up for this!” attitude. But the reality is, that does me no good.
In John 16:33, Jesus says, “In this world you will have trouble…” (Anyone else feel the need to quote that Bible verse a lot these days?) We live in a world with a lot of trouble. And some seasons feel like they have more trouble than they have calm. But guess what – that. is. life.
So how do we switch our mentality to embrace our circumstance and find peace within it – even when the situation is really, really hard? It all comes back to where we root our hearts and minds.
If I root my mind in the ever-evolving frustration with my cat’s illness or the fact that there is no end in sight, I will lose it. I will feel frustration at every turn and be constantly absorbed by the unknowns that govern this situation.
If I instead root my mind in the Lord, who He is, who He made me to be, and the gift that through Him we can experience peace in any situation, then I can shed the “this isn’t what I signed up for” attitude.
Here is the shift I am adopting:
Instead of - UGH, This isn’t what I signed up for!
I’m trying – Lord, this isn’t what I signed up for. But you blessed me with a sweet kitty that we love immensely. You’ve brought great joy to our family through him. You have blessed me with a sound mind, a smart brain, and an ability to research and advocate for his health. You’ve surrounded us with a team of veterinarians who want to help. I am not alone in this. Yes, this may not be what I signed up for (and it’s okay to grieve that) but I am capable of handling it, and there will be joy and peace amidst it, if I keep coming back to you.
The rest of John 16:33 says, “In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
Jesus came into our broken world, as a human, so that He could not only relate to what we go through here on earth, but so that we would be equipped with what we need to endure any heavy situation that comes our way. It is not easy to walk the road of things we didn’t sign up for, but if we root ourselves in Jesus, we will not lose ourselves to frustration; in fact much to our surprise we can and will find peace in the midst of it.
I don’t know what heaviness you find yourself walking through, but my prayer is that you would find the strength to shift your focus from the struggle, to the One who sustains you and promises to help you overcome it.