Stop Fueling Fear: how my family got Covid and panic almost wrecked me

A harrowing tale of how my family got Covid, 
panic wrecked my body, & how you can keep it from happening to you

 
On August 14th, three little words sent me into a tailspin. “He has COVID.” My brother-in-law wasn’t feeling well, went to get tested, and my sister called with the unfortunate news. I played it cool on the phone, encouraged my sis the best I could, but inside my body a panic storm was brewing. 

Two days before my brother-in-law’s positive test, my whole family went to dinner together (minus Chris who was at home setting up a generator as we were on day three without power from a bad storm; talk about a chaotic week.) Whether we liked it or not, we were holding our breath together to see if we shared the same fate. 

As soon as I hung up the phone, I went into go-mode. I contacted my naturopath to find out what supplements I should be on, ordered a new thermometer and pulse oximeter, and reached out to my contacts to find a doctor who had experience with successfully treating positive patients. I convinced myself I wasn’t operating out of fear, I was just being resourceful, covering my bases, and doing what I could to be safe. What was really happening was a massive grasp for control. 

Fight for control = major breeding ground for anxiety 

As the days progressed, my desperation for control skyrocketed. I checked my temperature and oxygen level multiple times a day. Checked in on the family relentlessly. Asked Chris every other minute “am I okay?” and celebrated when the sun went down on another day without symptoms. 

I kept it mostly together until my mom texted “Dad has a fever, and muscle aches.” 

This text broke this camel’s back – there was no more faking control. Panic attack after panic attack battered my body as Dad got sick, then mom, and then 10 days later, my niece and my sister. 

If you’ve never had a panic attack, I’d like to give you a tiny snapshot of what it’s like. Everyone experiences them differently but overall it feels like your body has been hijacked. Your insides feel like they are malfunctioning. Weird things like jaw shakes, nausea, inability to get your words out, sweating, weak or tingly limbs happen, and you feel completely out of control. It’s a common misconception that panic attacks are more of a mental experience, when in reality they are largely physical, and extremely draining. 

Now imagine having them over and over again. 

Let me pause here and say – no one in my family got severely sick, praise God. Their initial symptoms were mostly mild, and with the help of a wonderful doctor who successfully treated positive patients with things like monoclonal antibodies and ivermectin (both of which worked extremely well for my family members), they treated and eradicated the virus super early. And guess what – somehow I dodged the bullet. By the grace of God, I never got sick.

With that, you might be wondering – wait, so why were you freaking out? Why were you literally shaking on the couch having panic attack after panic attack? To which I would respond with one word. FEAR.  

My family was sick from COVID, and I was physically and mentally sick from fear.

There were two factors that contributed to this uncomfortable state:

1. An overdone nervous system

2. Months and months of steeping myself in fear-filled stories about the virus

AN OVERDONE NERVOUS SYSTEM 

Our nervous system is an incredible part of our body. In short, it’s what controls automatic actions like breathing, and it’s the system responsible for triggering the fight-flight-freeze response that keeps us safe from danger. 

When the nervous system is overdone, often caused by an abundance of stress and some combination of lack of rest or minimal sleep, it goes into hyper-protective mode. In this mode, the sympathetic nervous system (known for the fight-flight-freeze response) takes over, and the body constantly looks for danger. 

This is what happened to my body.

This summer was a really full, stressful season that wore on my nervous system. So when one more stressor - finding out the family had COVID - was added on, my nervous system said, “Whoa okay, officially overdone, now turning on protective mode.” 

I was in a constant state of fight-flight-freeze for much of two weeks.

What that meant was, my body acted like there was a bear in every single room in my house. I was jumpy. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat. And I had a plethora of panic attacks. Here’s the frustrating part – when you experience a panic attack, you cannot think your way out of it. Logic, truth, or wisdom literally has no power in this moment. Here’s why. 

The cortex (the thinking part of your brain) turns off because the amygdala (the part of your brain that sends the signal to turn on the fight-flight-freeze response) is in the driver seat. Once the fight-flight-freeze runs its course and the body recognizes there is no danger, then the cortex can jump in and speak truth. But until then, consider yourself hijacked. All you can do is ride it out. 

When my family was sick, I knew the stats. I knew that there was a 99% survival rate. I knew none of my family members were hospitalized. I knew that they had medication and supplements to support their bodies as they healed. But until my body got off the fight-flight-freeze rollercoaster I apparently bought a season pass to, the truth was like a whisper in a crowded room. I could not absorb it.  

STEEPED IN FEAR-FILLED STORIES

Looking back it’s easy to see that I operated with zero chill right from the start. But this wasn’t just some out of the blue fear that I built up on my own. It was from months and months of steeping myself in fear-filled stories about the virus.

From the very beginning of the pandemic, the stories highlighted by the news and social media have been the ones based largely in fear. Hospitals overwhelmed. People dying left and right. If you don’t do this, you’ll die. If you don’t do that you’ll die. If you get the virus, you’ll probably die. 

Sure, there are a few positive stories woven in here and there (and there’s a lot more if you actually dig for them… don’t get me started on how frustrating main stream media is). But it’s the fear-filled stories that sell and spread. And guess what? It’s the fear-filled stories your brain remembers the most too. 

Your brain’s number one job is to keep you alive. So if it hears about something that might be dangerous it latches on to it. You might think that you’re simply reading a scary story and leaving it behind when you close that tab on your phone. But what really happens is every time you read one of those, you flood your brain with negative information, store up a little bit of fear, and add undue stress to your nervous system without even realizing it. 

So, while my overdone nervous system was the key player in how my body responded to the news that my family had the virus, a fellow component was how many fear-filled stories were hanging out in a corner of my brain just waiting to transform into what ifs and worst case scenarios. 
 

HOW TO STOP FUELING FEAR

Friends, I share this story with you because I don’t want any of you to end up where I did. Mental health issues are on the rise the past couple years, and it’s no wonder why. This world is blanketed in fear. If you want to find peace in this pandemic, and protect your body from the effects, you have to stop fueling fear. And I’m here to help. 

Over the past couple months I have been working hard on supporting my body and my mind to return to a peaceful place. Each of the following tips have been incredibly helpful and the best part is they work on both sides of the equation: if you find yourself in a stressful situation like I was, or if you want to stay ahead of the curve and keep that from happening in your own life. 

Here are three simple actions that will help you stop fueling fear and find peace: 

1. Limit your time with negative stories 
This one is quite simple. If you don’t want your mind to be steeped in fear-filled stories, stop watching or reading them. This seems like common sense, but from a girl who gets sucked in and reads a lot of things she probably shouldn’t, I get it. It’s hard to put a stop to it. It’s addicting somehow. 

One good way to determine if it’s something worth your time and worth the risk on your mental health, ask yourself this question. How is my anxiety today? Can I read this piece or watch this story on social media without having an emotional reaction? If the answer is no – then it’s important to pass it by. 

2. Care for your nervous system
If your body and mind endures too much stress, your nervous system will kick on protective mode. While this mode is extremely helpful (it’s what enables you to slam on your breaks when a car swerves in front of you react before you even realize what’s happening), being stuck in this state is uncomfortable and not sustainable.  

A few things you can do to support your nervous system and help it remain balanced even in stressful seasons are:

• get good sleep (take extra naps if you can)

• plan life-giving activities (activities you love help your body feel safe)

• practice deep breathing (the deeper you breathe the more you help your body relax & stimulate the vagal nerve which talks directly to your nervous system)

• drink lots of water (detoxes out toxins that stress your system)

• reduce alcohol intake (when your body is stressed, drinking alcohol adds extra stress on your already stressed system – that’s a lot of “stress” in once sentence hah) 

• do less (don’t rush, don’t cram in a gazillion plans, give yourself space)

• laugh – up the joy and fun!
  

3.    Get in the Word
During the month of August when my family had the virus, there were nights my anxiety was so high and my body was so jacked with adrenaline I was afraid to go to sleep. That quickly shifted when I climbed into bed with my Bible. 

I was working my way through a Well-Watered Women Study that takes you through 40 days of praying through the Psalms and it could not have been more perfect God-timing. 

Each night I read one Psalm, meditated on the words, and fell asleep by the grace of God and His truth. Psalm 34 for example drenched my body in relief as the words proclaimed, “I sought the Lord and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.” 

Getting in the Word is by far the best advice I can give you. The more connected you are to the Lord and His faithful promises, the more worry loses its power. This has a two-fold effect. Steep yourself in God’s truth and peace, and the power of the negative stories you read will diminish, and your body will feel safe enabling your nervous system to remain balanced. 

END NOTE & WHY THIS MATTERS

If you know me in person, you’d know that before my family got sick, I wasn’t someone walking around in fear of Covid. I was still being careful and cautious of course, but I was carrying on with life as normal because I adamantly believe it is not healthy or helpful to live in fear. (And I continue to stand by that truth.) So to share a story about how I fell apart is quite humbling. 

But here I am, sharing this piece because I think there’s a life lesson that applies to much more than this pesky virus. 

It reminds me of a song I learned growing up. It goes, “Oh be careful little eyes what you see. Oh be careful little eyes what you see.” Then it goes through the various body parts. “Oh be careful little ears what you hear.” “Oh be careful little tongue what you say.” “Oh be careful little hands what you do.” The point being – what we see, what we hear, what we do impacts our body, mind, and soul. 

If we want to be peaceful people who trust in the goodness of our Father who goes before us and holds all things together no matter what (Colossians 1:17) then we have to be intentional about what we input into our minds and our bodies.

If you want to be healthy – you have to eat healthy food. 
If you want to be rested – you have to set boundaries that carve out space for breath.
If you want to have a mind fixed on Christ – you have to study His word, and know who He is. 
If you want to have a balanced nervous system – you have to do your part to make sure your body has what it needs to feel safe. 
If you want to feel joyful – you have to stop with the negative stories, and start pouring in life-giving activities.
If you want to live without fear – you have to trust in Christ alone.

While I most definitely do not want to relive the heavy month of August, I am so thankful for the wake-up call. My body and our good and gracious Lord made it abundantly clear that it was time to make some adjustments to better support my body and my mind. I still have a ways to go – but I am confident that the shifts I am making now will be worth the pain it took to set them into motion.

I don’t know what state you find yourself in today – but let me encourage you.
In Jesus’ name, you are not stuck. You have the power to shift and grow and adjust in any way that you need, and our Heavenly Father is right there with you to help you step in the way you should go.  

Relying on God in the Messy Middle

After a week away from home, I pulled into the driveway bummed that vacation was over, but excited to settle back into routine and give my sweet kitty some cuddles. I neared the garage, peered over to take a peek at my flower garden, and my jaw dropped. 

What on earth happened?! I fumed out loud to no one. 

My hanging basket that once dripped with luscious violet, yellow, and flamingo pink flowers was now a crispy, scraggly, oh-so-thirsty skeleton. As a woman who loves her plant babies, I was livid.

Seriously, how did this happen?!

Every time we leave for a trip I leave my pet sitter a cheat sheet for how to take care of Finn and keep tabs on the house while we’re gone. It’s a bullet-pointed document that makes it incredibly easy for the sitter to make sure they’ve taken care of each item. During the summer, this list includes – water the plants. Somehow this item was clearly forgotten.

I jumped out of my car and into action. Check the soil – dry as a bone. Water. Add liquid fertilizer. And pray that my baby would pull through. 

The next morning I went out to check on the victim. Much to my surprise, a few purple flowers pressed their way through the carnage - a tiny glimpse of restoration. 

At this point, I had no choice but to give this poor plant a hack job of a haircut. I trimmed off everything dead (most of the plant), took a step back and thought, “Oh good grief, how long is it going to take for this plant to look normal again?” 

As the thought ran through my mind, I couldn’t help but laugh at the irony. I’m in a season where I’m constantly asking the Lord a similar question, “How long until this struggle is over, Lord?”

The Messy Middle

The Lord teaches me a lot of life lessons through my garden, and right now, He is speaking into a struggle I like to call “the messy middle.”

The messy middle is the space in time before restoration. It’s the uncomfortable land of in-between where we crave healing, restoration, or clarity. 

This wonky plant of mine is most definitely in the messy middle – hah. But for humans, this space takes on all sorts of shapes and forms. For some it might be a rough patch in marriage, a difficult season of parenting, or waiting for healing from an injury or illness. For me, it’s often a term I use when anxiety rages and I wait for peace to show its face. 

And I think we can all take one quick look around the stressful climate of our world right now and easily slap the term “messy middle” on the current state of all the things – don’t you think? 

Whatever form it takes, I HATE the messy middle. It’s uncomfortable. It’s exhausting. And it requires a lot of patience and hope. But here’s the truth God keeps reminding me every time I find myself in one of these situations; there is goodness to be found in the mess.

Jesus Came in the Messy Middle

Romans 5:6-8 says, “You see, at just the right time, while we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” [NIV Translation]

While we were still powerless.
While we were still sinners.
Christ died for us. 

We have an awesome God who constantly enters hard and broken places to show us how much He loves us. There are examples all throughout scripture of how He does this (just think about the Israelites and how many times God saved them). But this passage is the ultimate example. 

Jesus intentionally came in the messy middle. He came while we were still sinners, so that in our brokenness we could experience the presence of God. 

Friends, God is the master of the messy middle! As easy as it is to get sucked into the heaviness that surrounds us and believe the lie that there is no hope to be found, we have to keep coming back to this truth. Not only does God show up in heavy places, He makes a life giving way through it. 

In Isaiah 43, God says, “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze…See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.” – Isaiah 43: 2,19

This is what the Lord did for us through Jesus, and what He continues to do for us through the Holy Spirit every single day. 

Relying on God in the Messy Middle

In 2 Corinthians Paul talks about serious troubles - ones so heavy he struggled to endure them. And in verses 9-10 he speaks this truth, “Indeed we felt we had received the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us again. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us.” (NIV Translation)

Just as I’ve witnessed my hanging basket slowly come back to life post thirst and wonky haircut, I am confident that someday your struggle and mine will be over. But until that day comes, whether it is on this side of heaven or not, we have an opportunity to experience abundant life – and the secret is there in Paul’s words.  

Rely on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and He will deliver us again.

In the midst of struggle, we have two choices:

1. Focus on the pain and ask the Lord over and over again “How long until this struggle is over?”

2. Rely on Jesus, and experience the hope, joy, peace, and comfort that comes when we fix our eyes on Him

It is not easy – but I can wholeheartedly say that it’s in the moments I surrender my fears, worries, anger, or pain to the Lord and truly rely on Him where I experience more peace and relief than anything the world could offer.

Jesus came in the messy middle of our broken world so that we could live a life of abundance even when we’re hurting. No matter how dark and heavy our world is, that is the hope we have in Christ Jesus. As we navigate this heavy season in life, let’s stand our ground by setting our hope on the One who will continue to deliver us, and use our struggles as an opportunity to rely on Him.  

God will sustain you

The last couple weeks have been a doozy. On Sunday, May 16th, my sweet sister brought my adorable nephew into the world – but nothing about his arrival has been what we expected. He shot out in less than 15 minutes of pushing (as opposed to the 6 hours it took to welcome my niece), landing himself in the doctor’s hands, my sister’s arms, and then much to everyone’s surprise the NICU.  

There’s more to be told about this story (stay tuned for that) and I covet your prayers for baby Leo who will hopefully be home soon – but right now the words that the Lord keeps writing on my heart, ones I feel led to share with you, are “I will sustain you.” 

There have been a few moments where I thought I might literally fall over from exhaustion. I’m doing everything I possibly can to help out my sister and brother-in-law – and honestly some moments I’ve thought, “whoa, Lord I don’t have the capacity for all of this. This is heavy – emotionally and physically.” And as quickly as the thought floated through my mind the Lord responded with a resounding – “You may not have the capacity, but I do.” 

God will sustain me.
God will sustain me. 
God will sustain me. 

As I sat on their couch one night, holding down the fort as my niece slept and my sister and brother-in-law headed off to the NICU to be with Leo, I did a deep dive into the word sustain. 

I’m a definition-loving kind of gal so that’s where I started. 

Sustain means: 

• to strengthen, support, or maintain

• to give relief to

• to supply with sustenance

Then I opened the concordance in my Bible to see where I could find this word in scripture. I had the Holy Spirit’s words, and the physical evidence that God was in fact sustaining me throughout this week, but I wanted to see what the Bible had to say about it. 

Friends, if you’re feeling drained – these scriptures are bound to boost you up. So I have to share them with you. (Each one comes from NIV translation. The emphasis added is my own). 

You give me your shield of victory, and your right hand sustains me; You stoop down to make me great. Psalm 18:35

Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never let the righteous fall. Psalm 55:22

Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am He who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you. Isaiah 46:4

The Son is the radiance of God’s glory and the exact representation of His being, sustaining all things by His powerful word. Hebrews 1:3

This last one, doesn’t specifically contain the word sustain, but I am so glad that the concordance included it in the list because I think it’s my favorite one. Psalm 18:28 says, “You, O Lord, keep my lamp burning; My God turns my darkness into light.”

That is exactly what the Lord has been doing for me, and for my family this week. He has kept our lamp burning, He has turned a heavy situation – the unknown, unexpected, uncomfortable waiting period before Leo comes home – into light because of how He cares for us.  

How are You feeling this week? 

Are these words like salve for your exhausted soul? 

My prayer for you today is that you would find the encouragement you need in the truth that God will sustain you. If you’re feeling weak and tired or like you might tip over from the weight you feel, pick one of these scriptures, write it on a piece of paper and tape it somewhere you can see it. 

You are not alone in the struggle that you feel this week – our MIGHTY God is sustaining you and He will not let you fall.

Why it's helpful to take a breath at each transition

When I lift weights, my favorite exercise to do is squats; they make me feel powerful – like I’m strengthening every part of my body with one simple movement. But I’ve been struggling lately with getting my form right. No matter what adjustment I make in my posture, I end up with tightness in my pelvic floor.

Let’s pause for a second and talk about the pelvic floor. The pelvic floor is a group of muscles that form a hammock attaching at the pubic bone, tailbone, and the walls of the pelvis. This hammock is what supports our bladder, intestines, and for women, the uterus – without it, these organs could fall to the floor (okay, that’s a little dramatic, but it’s not too far from the truth).

Never have I ever learned more about this invaluable muscle in my body until I started having troubles with it. Throughout the pandemic I came to learn about my pelvic floor as a problematic area that caused tightness in my tailbone, carried tension from anxiety, and now I know – a crucial component when I’m lifting weights.

So why on earth am I sharing all of this about the pelvic floor?
What could this possibly have to do with encouraging you?

The key to a happy pelvic floor is breath.

I’ve been working hard on breathing deeply and expanding my diaphragm to help my pelvic floor loosen and contract as it should. And as I do, I keep coming up with this question: What if taking a breath is the secret sauce to finding strength in all areas of our life?

We live in a fast paced, hurry and hustle, culture. We go through life rapidly jumping from one thing to the next. Just look at social media. Scroll, scroll, scroll, and on to the next photo or video without even a millisecond in between. Even Netflix, doesn’t want us to pause before watching another episode – “the next episode starts in 5…4…3…2…1”

In so many ways we are trained to go without breath. 

On one particular day I went from the grocery store, home to write an Instagram post, hopped from one phone call to another, worked on more writing, and then turned on Netflix at the end of the day to unwind. I didn’t even take a second, not one second, to pause before I tapped the Apple TV remote and turned on my latest show. There was absolutely no break in between.

Think about your day leading up to this moment. Did you pause in between the various activities of your day? Or did each activity flow immediately into the next?  

If we don’t take time to breathe, we rob ourselves of so many things:

• a calm nervous system

• a relaxed body

• a properly functioning pelvic floor, as I’m learning

• and most importantly… quiet moments of stillness to hear the Lord speak

We have an awesome God who actively speaks to us. He speaks to us through His word, and He speaks to us in our every day lives through the Holy Spirit. Even if we’re overly busy, He finds a way to speak to us – we are so blessed in that regard. But, what if all it took to hear the Lord more, was a little more breath? 

Take a breath at each transition

I’d like to offer you one simple way to add more breath today:
Instead of rushing through your day, take a breath at each transition. 

I heard a yoga instructor use this phrase – take a breath at each transition – in an online slow flow class I took recently. The beauty of yoga is the synchronicity of breath and movement; the shift from pose to pose is led by inhales and exhales. But even in yoga, sometimes the flow is nonstop.

In this particular class, we took intentional longer pauses to breathe before transitioning to a new pose. And it nourished my nervous system.

As you go through your day today, pay attention to the moments of transition.

• The moment you’re walking to your car to go pick up groceries.

• The moment you hear your child call your name after waking up from a nap.

• The moment at the end of the day when you crash onto your couch ready for some much needed mindless time.

In these moments of transition, pause to breathe. As you inhale and exhale, take notice of how your body feels, and thank the Lord for the blessings you’ve seen that day.

I’ve been practicing this the past week and it has helped me find pockets of calm in the midst of a really busy week. Beyond sustaining me, here’s the ultimate why - the more we practice this simple act of taking a breath in the transition – the more we open ourselves up to experience the stillness that comes from knowing Christ Jesus.

My prayer is that you might experience peace and breath this week, no matter what your calendar holds. If you try it, and you feel like it’s impactful, will you email me? Just tap this link and let me know how it went. I’d love to celebrate alongside you.

Looking back on 2020

If I had to choose one Bible verse to describe the wild year of 2020 it would be Hebrews 12:11 that says, “No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.”

Although I can easily label 2020 as challenging and painful at times, I would also reward the year as being one I learned more about peace, relinquishing control, and depending on God.

Would I rather none of us had to live through the brokenness that has filled this year? Absolutely. But in the same breath it’s out of that brokenness that we get to see the incredible strength and beauty that comes from our Father.

As much as I wish this last year looked a lot different, I couldn’t trade it in. There was so much goodness to be had amidst the hard, and a lot of life lessons that are making me a stronger person because of it.

A time of reflection

It took me longer than I thought it would to reflect on 2020 because in my head I thought, “well, not much happened this year at all thanks to Covid.” But when I looked through my journals I realized a lot happened, even if a good chunk of it was within my heart.

Last year I shared the reflection method that the senior pastor of our church recommended through a sermon titled Practices for a New Year from the Psalms. I loved this practice so much that I repeated it this year. I looked through the photos on my phone, watched old Instagram stories, and paged through my journals to note highlights as well as themes of growth.

This year gets a whole lot of flack for being the worst so I wanted to take the time to share (for myself and for you) some of the greatness that came out of this year. Here are five highlights and five ways I’ve grown through 2020.

5 highlights from 2020

Our backyard oasis

When I scrolled through my photo roll from this past summer, it was very clear that our backyard was my happy place. It’s been a work in progress for years but this year it felt like everything came together. My flowers flourished, our vegetable garden overflowed, we strung cozy lights over the patio, and Chris got me a fire pit for my birthday.

In a year where most time spent with others took place outside, this had the Lord’s provision stamped all over it. I drank my coffee on the patio, had lots of hang time with family, played games, watched movies by the fire, friends gathered for happy hour. It was such a gift.

Ticket to Ride

I giggled when I scrolled through my Instagram stories and saw just how much we played the game we refer to as Trains with my sister and brother-in-law. I ordered the game on a whim off Amazon in February and let me tell you, that game brought life to the days of quarantine. It was the first thing we did when we decided it was safe for us to all hang out together, and it was a common source of both joy and healthy distraction when it felt like the world was crumbling more than we thought possible.

It was also a catalyst for a lot of time spent with my sister and brother-in-law. We are very close, both relationally and in proximity, but I think it’s fair to say that this year especially we spent A LOT of time together.

My mom’s heart surgery

It might seem crazy to add this to a list of highlights because, of course, I would never ever wish open-heart surgery on anyone. But, the entire process was drenched in the Lord’s protection and provision so I can’t help but highlight the way He moved.  

Here are a few ways I saw God in it:

The heart attack didn’t do any permanent damage. Instead it was a catalyst that helped doctors discover and take care of blockages that could have taken mom from us.

It happened during a time in the pandemic when hospitals loosened rules on guests. One guest was allowed – so praise God, my dad was able to be with my mom in the hospital room. He was there every single day, every waking hour until they kicked him out.

Mom’s double bypass went smoothly and she recovered amazingly. A few days after surgery her nurses commented about how she looked incredible and was leap years ahead of typical heart surgery patients.

With a healthier and better functioning heart, mom’s body can now fight illnesses off better than before. This too is a great blessing as we live in the midst of a pandemic.

Lots of yummy meals

There were a few things that popped up super regularly in my photos: my niece (duh, she’s so cute and I love her a ton) and lots of really yummy meals.

I am extremely blessed to have a husband who not only loves to cook but is really, really good at it. Combine that with the gift of time since he has been working from home and hasn’t been traveling, and what do you get? A lot of good food. 

I’ve told him several times – you have kept me alive in this pandemic. And I mean it. There were weeks where I felt so heavy and full of anxiety that if I had been left to my own devices, I probably would’ve eaten pretzels or cereal all week. It was a huge blessing that I will have a hard time giving up when he starts traveling for work again someday. 

Intentional getaways

Getaways have always been life-giving. But in this difficult year, they were sustaining. We escaped as much as we could to our family lake home up north. We took mini-getaways just the two of us both up north, and for our anniversary we did a little staycation at The Iron Horse where we spent our wedding night. I had my annual college roomie trip at our lake home. (Basically a lot of time was spent up north).

These little getaways were a huge blessing because with a change of scenery they brought breath, fresh perspective, and an important reminder that joy and sadness can coexist.

5 lessons I’ve learned in 2020

1.    Relinquishing control – I constantly crave control. (Not like “I want to boss of everyone” but more like “I want to know what’s happening so I know how to react or how to prepare for the worst”). I’ve known that for some time now, but something about all the unknowns and lack of control over anything related to the pandemic made me realize just how deep it’s claws sink into my soul. The important correlation I’ve learned – anxiety is largely rooted in a desire for control.

I could easily label 2020 as the year of letting go. Letting go of expectations, letting go of control, and as a result, learning to let go of anxiety. I’ve grown a lot in relinquishing control, but this certainly isn’t a one and done type of lesson. It’s one I have to continually work on every day. 

2.    Freedom comes from depending more fully on God –This one works in hand in hand with learning to let go of control. When we relinquish control we depend more on God. When we depend more on God, we in turn relinquish control.

There were moments during the pandemic where I felt like I literally could do nothing other than depend fully on the Lord. The feeling of being completely out of control was extremely uncomfortable, but then I realized there is sweet, sweet freedom that comes from depending fully on Him. My prayer is that I never forget those dark moments where He was the only thing sustaining me – I want to lean on Him like that every day.  

3.    Growth in handling and bouncing back from panic attacks – I wish this was not a lesson I had to learn, I’d rather panic attacks just be completely MIA from my life. But, I am so thankful that the Lord has helped me learn how to better handle and bounce back from panic attacks.

Whereas in the past they would shut me down for at least the whole next day, I have learned to see a panic attack coming, ride it out when it arrives, see it for what it was, and be able to continue with my day.

Is it still impactful? Absolutely. Panic attacks require work from our nervous system, so our bodies most definitely need support as they come down from the episode and adjust to find balance. But, the more I’ve experienced them, the more information I gather about my body and thus the better I can extend grace and compassion to myself, and take away a bit of the panic attacks’ power. 

4.    Advocating for myself – This was an area of growth I might not have recognized had I not taken the time to reflect (one of the many reasons I am a fan of reflection). Last year, it was one of my goals to advocate better for myself – in regards to my mental health, my life as a married woman without kiddos, and in my career as a writer.  

I have had a lot of practice in advocating for myself throughout 2020, and I’ve gotten a lot better at it. It can be uncomfortable to stand up for yourself and speak your truth, but the benefits far outweigh the cost.

5.    Worst-case scenarios often don’t come true – I spent a lot of time dreaming up worst-case scenarios in the past year. I injured my gum and convinced myself surgery was the only way to fix it. I was certain that pain in my tailbone was irreparable, that I would need a terrifying surgery, and that even with the surgery it would not get better. I vividly imagined ending up in the hospital and dying alone due to Covid. And not one of these scenarios came true.

Over and over again the Lord has compassionately taught me it’s time I stop giving worst case scenarios so much power. This is another lesson that needs continual work, but I am so thankful for the way the Lord continues to show me that time spent panicking about what most likely won’t come true, does not benefit me. Trusting in Him and that He will walk with me and help me endure whatever scenario comes my way – that does.

Stepping boldly into 2021

As I wrote this reflection, I took time to peek back at last year’s reflection. I ended it with these words “my prayer is that you can walk confidently into the New Year, knowing that the Lord is before you and He will give you the strength no matter what comes your way. Here’s to 2020 friends, I cannot wait to see what is in store.”

Oh man, it makes me giggle a little bit to read those words now knowing just how much went down in the last year. But the encouragement for what came our way was pretty spot on. The Lord proved and continues to prove time and time again that we get to walk confidently because He will give us strength to endure anything and everything. 

I’ve seen a lot of jokes saying we should tiptoe into 2021 because who knows what is going to happen after this last year we just had. But I think we can (and should) do much better than tiptoe. Because of Christ, we get to STEP BOLDLY and CONFIDENTLY into the year ahead of us. No matter what comes our way, our feet are solid and firm when we are rooted in Him as Psalm 37:23 says, “The Lord makes firm the steps of the one who delights in Him.”

You know who wants us to tiptoe into 2021? The evil one. He wants us to sheepishly enter this year as if we’re afraid to awaken another beast. He loves when we live in fear. Well, I want nothing to do with that.  

I want to slam my feet into the ground and walk proudly, confidently, and boldly in the mission the Lord has for me. I want to fully embrace the authority the Lord has given me through Jesus to make the evil one run for the hills. And I hope that you’ll join me.  

No more tiptoeing. Let’s be bold, make Jesus’ name known, and demolish strongholds for His glory.

 Here’s to 2021, friends. Let’s take strong steps in Jesus’ name, together.

How to make decisions that will support your mental health during the pandemic

Last week was a tough one for me. Facing the decision of what to do about Thanksgiving – whether we would get together with a larger group of extended family members, or keep it small with just the immediate family – was really challenging. 

I suffered from serious decision fatigue – you know, the exhaustion that comes from either having to make too many decisions in one day or analyzing one particular decision from so many angles that you can’t even think straight any longer, let alone land on an actual decision. And it wore heavily on my body and on my mental health. 

As I talked over and over and over again with my husband, we cycled through the risks, the benefits, the pros and cons and both of us felt uncomfortably stuck. I noticed this decision was starting to wear on Chris, and as he doesn’t usually struggle with decisions like I do, I realized “ Wow. Okay, no more weighing, it’s time to land the plane. This is wrecking both of us.” 

Throughout this deciding process I realized a few things that I wanted to share with you in hopes of helping you make decisions that will support your mental health during the pandemic.

Don’t make decisions based on fear 

As I visited and revisited the options at hand, I noticed myself starting to entertain what ifs. What if someone at the family gathering has Covid and we don’t know it? What if I get it? What if I then pass it to my family? What if my mom gets it? What I my dad gets it? What if one of them, both with heart disease, passes away – because of me?

What if I actually have Covid and unbeknownst to me, give it to someone and they end up in the hospital? Can I bear the weight of that?

These fear-filled what ifs wreaked havoc on my body: my chest tightened, my shoulders crept up to my ears, and my breathing shallowed. It was in these terrible what if questions that I realized – making a decision based on fear is not healthy or helpful.

I could what if myself to death. I could focus on the terrible outcomes that I made up in my head, and make my decision to avoid the sheer possibility that they might come true. But at what cost?  

If we make decisions based on fear we enable our bodies to live in fear. And friends, guess what that breeds – anxiety. 

When we experience anxiety, we come face to face with our body’s natural reaction of fight or flight. Our body is created by the Lord to recognize that there is something threatening and so it reacts. In and of itself, this is a healthy response. But, the way our God-given “jump from a snake before your brain even thinks about it” anxiety becomes crippling, debilitating, unhealthy anxiety is through an unchallenged habit of learning to live in fear.

Our bodies are very smart creations – the Lord made us fearfully and wonderfully. If you tell your body over and over to be afraid of the virus, afraid of the worst-case scenarios you have dreamed up in your mind, it learns to be afraid. And it will start to show. Your nervous system will learn to be constantly on edge, waiting for a fight or flight moment to come. 

If we want to minimize our anxiety in this pandemic, we have to be intentional about not making decisions out of fear. 

In the world we live in right now, this day of the virus, there is plenty to be afraid of. Would getting the virus and a family member ending up in the hospital or passing away be scary? Absolutely. BUT if we are living in a state of constant fear of this happening, not only are we negatively impacting our bodies, we are not acting as sons and daughters of God who know that no matter what comes our way, or our loved ones’ way, He will hold us tight and sustain us. 

We cannot and must not live in fear.

Make decisions based on your health _ physical, mental, and spiritual. 

If you’re thinking, “okay Mindy this all makes sense but now what? How do I actually go about making these kinds of decisions without basing them on the fear of the virus?” Allow me to offer you an alternative. 

Instead of making decisions based on fear – flip the script and make decisions to support your health – physical, mental, and spiritual. 

After deciding that we would not make our decision based on fear, we recognized that the best decision we could make in this instance was one that supported our mental health.  Largely my mental health. 

In this particular week, my nervous system was already on edge and my mental capacity was low. I could sense that anxiety and fear-filled what ifs would come more easily if we attended a larger group gathering. So, we made the tough decision to forego an extended family get together and only spend time with our immediate families. 

Coming to this conclusion was not easy. And if I’m being honest, it was hard to feel like the main reason we weren’t going was because of the state of my mental health. But what I’m learning in this crazy year of 2020 is that making decisions that support my mental health does not make me weak; it actually shows that I’m listening to my body and choosing to honor it. And that, my friends, takes strength.

How to make a decision that will support your mental health during the pandemic

The next time you wrestle with making a decision related to the pandemic remember these tips:

·      Don’t make decisions based on fear.

·      Make decisions based on your health – physical, mental, and spiritual. 

Listen to your body – pay close attention to your physical, mental, and spiritual health, and most importantly, ask the Lord to guide you.

Galatians 4:6-7 says, “Because you are his sons, God sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, the Spirit who calls out, “Abba, Father.” So you are no longer a slave, but God’s child; and since you are his child, God has made you also an heir.”

We are children of God, heirs to His throne through Christ, and we get to use the authority that He gave us to make decisions right here in the midst of this pandemic. If you’re stuck in the endless cycle of indecision, press in to Him, ask the Holy Spirit for wisdom and let His peace guide you. 

We are in this together, friends. 

One way I'm stronger than Pre-Covid

As you can tell, forming giant, bulging biceps isn't one way I’m stronger than pre-Covid 🤣. But learning to let go is. 

Throughout this season, with every unknown and every frustrating circumstance that has come my way, the Lord has made it abundantly clear that the best way to find joy and peace amidst this anxious season is to LET GO and DEPEND ON HIM. 

This is a constant challenge, specifically when it comes to life as anxiety sufferer because in a lot of ways the struggle with anxiety is rooted in a fight for control.  

Learning to let go in and of itself greatly lessens my anxiety (and it’s truly life-giving in this season where just about everything is out of our control); but pair it with a free-fall dependence on the Lord and that’s where the magic happens. 

I’m pretty sure learning to depend on the Lord versus clinging to control will be a life lesson I continue to work on; but I have zero doubt that I will look back at this time and remember “that was a really hard season where I learned the extraordinary gift of letting go.” 

What’s one way you’re stronger now than you were before? Tell me in the comments or share on your own using #joyamidstanxiety 

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**This post is day 7 of the Joy Amidst Anxiety challenge - one way you’re stronger than pre-covid. You can find the full scoop by clicking here.

Summer Favorite

I cannot say the word summer without simultaneously thinking about this place – our family lake house in Waupaca. ⁠⁠

With two bedrooms, one and half bathrooms and an exposed basement with four twin beds, this cozy chalet (what we called it growing up) is a haven for summer fun. While the walls could boast of many memories and much laughter, it’s the view and the crystal clear lake that make this place truly incredible. ⁠ ⁠

From learning to water ski, sleeping on the dock under the stars, hiding in the yard during a game of Kick the Can, to now as an adult reveling in gorgeous sunsets, sipping on wine with friends college, and watching my niece fall in love with the lake – I wouldn’t trade this place for anything in the world. ⁠ ⁠

What a gift to have grown up spending summers on this lake; and now to trade worries of the world for a cabin with a view – it’s not hard to explain why this makes the top of the list of my summer favorites. ⁠ ⁠

What’s one of yours? ⁠ Tell me in the comments below or join me in my JOY AMIDST ANXIETY challenge.

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**This post is day 3 of the Joy Amidst Anxiety challenge - summer favorite.
You can find the full scoop by clicking here.

Someone life-giving and why

I didn’t realize how truly life-giving my niece was until our “safer at home” policy went into effect back in March. None of us thought we had the virus, but in order to err on the side of caution, we didn’t have “auntie time” for two. whole. weeks. 

When I got my first snuggle dance, I just about melted into the floor. A snuggle dance with Lola is where she asks to be picked up, tucks her arms underneath her, lays her head on your shoulder, and asks to listen to a song on the speaker. It’s precious, warms your heart, and if ever given the opportunity, you’re going to want to answer YES. 

What’s the most life-giving about time spent with Lola is that she helps me fix my eyes on the moment right in front of me. When I’m tempted to think about what’s happening in the world around me, a sweet voice saying, “Auntie Min!” is all it takes to snap me back to the fun of playing I Spy With My Little Eye, running on the sidewalk, or snuggle dancing.

I think that’s the gift of being a kiddo, and perhaps why the Lord encourages us to have childlike faith. Yes, she’s aware of what’s happening in the world around her (just ask her – she’ll say, “keep us healthy and safe from all the germs”) but that doesn’t get in the way of joy bubbling out of her. 

Who is someone life-giving in your life, and why?

Tell me in the comments below or join me in my JOY AMIDST ANXIETY challenge.

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**This post is day 2 of the Joy Amidst Anxiety challenge - someone life-giving and why.
You can find the full scoop by clicking here.

A Source of Joy in my Day

This space has been my oasis this summer. I love starting the day on the patio with a cup of coffee, listening to the birds chatter, and checking on my plant babies. And then, if the weather permits, spending the evening beneath the twinkly lights cozied up by the fire. 

We’ve been slowly working on our lil backyard, and this year it finally came together. And just in the knick of time it feels. In a season where adventuring out in the world doesn’t feel as accessible and hanging outdoors is the safest way to see my people, this sweet space has been such a gift.

What’s a source of joy in your day? 
Tell me in the comments below or join me in my JOY AMIDST ANXIETY challenge.

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**This post is day 1 of the joy amidst anxiety challenge - a source of joy in your day.
You can find the full scoop by clicking here.

Joy Amidst Anxiety

There’s a whole lot of heaviness in this world- both online and off. And I’m tired of it. Aren’t you?

Friends, I think it’s time to make an intentional shift. And I want to be a part of it. ⁠ ⁠

Yes this world is heavy. ⁠
Yes 2020 seems to hold a lot of pain. ⁠
BUT there is a whole lot of joy to be had right in the midst of it. ⁠ ⁠

Which is why I created a 7-day JOY AMIDST ANXIETY Instagram challenge; a super simple, fun way to be intentional about highlighting joy. ⁠ ⁠

My hope for the JOY AMIDST ANXIETY challenge is that by fixing our eyes on the joy the Lord has for us in this season, we might experience more peace (& as a sweet result, brighten up the world of social media in the process).

What’s an Instagram challenge?

It is a fun, writing prompt challenge that I am hosting over on Instagram. For 7-days I am offering a daily prompt to help you focus on joy right in front of you. You can share a picture, write a caption, or if you’re not on social media you could even do it right in your journal. There are no hard and fast rules for this - it’s basically just a fun way to get us focusing on JOY amidst the craziness that is this world.

As many of you know, I am a huge advocate for finding peace amidst anxiety and finding joy in the midst is a great extension of that. The heart of the challenge is this— we do not have to wait until anxiety is gone; we get to experience peace and joy right in the midst of it.

I created the challenge because I personally have been feeling a necessary shift for focusing on joy versus the heaviness around us, and I also need a jumpstart to get back into the practice of writing regularly - thus the JOY AMIDST ANXIETY challenge was born. (Want to hear a little more of the why? Click here)

Sounds fun, how do I join?

I am hoping to round up as many people as possible to do this challenge; whether you are on social media or not, I would love to have you join! Simply start the JOY AMIDST ANXIETY challenge on 7/27 by reading the prompt and respond in whatever way you’d like! If you want to join in the Instagram aspect of it, here is how to connect.

Want to follow along with what I share?

I am so excited to start this challenge and I hope that you’ll join me. If you want to follow along with what I’m sharing, come find me on Instagram, or check back on the blog! I will be sharing each of my photos and responses to the prompts right here so you can stay connected.

I can’t wait to spread some JOY AMIDST ANXIETY with you.

how to find peace when your worries are overwhelming

April was a difficult month for me. If you follow me on social media, you may have seen my Instagram stories where I shared about how the last month was a dark cloud brought on largely by uncomfortable, undiagnosed pain in my tailbone. I couldn't sit, it hurt to sleep, and the fear-filled anxiety of what might be happening in my body was unbearable.

On a particularly difficult day, I sobbed for 25 minutes. Tears poured down my cheeks, I muffled a scream into my arm, and I took deep guttural breaths in my husband's shoulder. [Seriously, thank the Lord for my precious husband who, poor thing looked a bit shell-shocked, held me tight and prayed for relief.]

I was exhausted from the pain, and even more so from the panic-filled worry about what might be going on with my body. Something had to give.

Ironically, this week was also my birthday. 

I wasn't feeling super hopeful about it being a happy day; I was pretty sure it'd be yet another day plagued by my tailbone. Until my husband gave me a challenge. He said, "Your job, is to not worry about your tailbone on your birthday. You can pick up your worries the next day, but for this one day, I'm asking you to lay them down." 

I'm a girl who is all for a challenge, and desperate for a bit of escape from my worries, I said, "heck yes!" Let's do this. 

For my entire birthday, I handed my worries over to the Lord and kept my mind away from thoughts about my tailbone. If worries creeped in, I reminded myself, "nope, you can pick that up tomorrow." And it was life-giving. I laughed, I relaxed, I enjoyed sweet company with my family, and I was incredibly joyful. It was a gift.

And now it's your turn. 

A challenge for you

I'd like to challenge you to lay down your heaviest worry for one day.

Here's how.

1. Think of your biggest concern - the thought that fills most of your worries, and write it down somewhere. Be specific.

2. Set a time that you can re-visit the thought. Again be specific. I recommend 24 hours, but if that sounds too hard, start small. Try 2 hours or 4 hours.

3. Tell someone. Ask them to hold you accountable to not visiting this thought.

4. If the thought pops in your head during your break, do two things:

   1. Say, "I'm not touching it with my mind."

   2. Recite this breath prayer. 
      Say, "I trust you Lord" on an inhale. 
      "I leave this concern in your hands" on an exhale.

5. Count the fruit. After your set time is up, take note and count the fruit. How did you feel? More joyful? Less anxious? Do you feel lighter now?

I am 100% confident that if you complete this challenge, you will experience peace. And here's why; this practice challenges us to leave our concerns in the Lord's strong, capable hands.

While this month was incredibly difficult for me, it taught me so much about the life-giving beauty of leaning COMPLETELY on the Lord. Never have I ever felt like I literally had no choice other than to rely wholly on the Lord to relieve my pain, frustration, and anxiety; but now that I've tasted the freedom that comes from this kind of dependence on Him, I hope I never go back.

“Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life?” - Luke 12:25

Typically, this verse makes me want to roll my eyes. Ugh yes I know worrying isn't helpful. But in taking my husband's challenge and giving up my worries for a full day, I was reminded of how incredibly true these words are. 

Worrying does not add any hours to our life. It doesn't help our circumstance. It doesn't help us solve the mystery we are thinking about or worst case scenario we are trying to plan our way through. And it most certainly does not increase our level of peace. But handing it over to the Lord does.  

If you experienced any level of peace during this challenge, let me tell you something exciting. This is the kind of freedom we can experience every single day IF we give our worries over to the Lord. 

He is loving, He is capable, and He wants to carry our burden. So let's let Him! 

Take my challenge.

Give your worries to the Lord.

Count the fruit. 

How to get peaceful sleep during Covid-19

When I was little, my sweet parents were constantly challenged with the difficult task of coming up with super creative ways to help me fall asleep. They’d sing songs, snuggle me, read stories, and pray over me, and then tip toe away hoping that I’d nod off without calling out, “Mommy! Daddy! I can’t sleep!” a mere five minutes later.

One of my favorite tricks of theirs was what we called “noodle arms.” My mom was the master of this one. Lying on my back in bed, my mom sat next to me and told me that my job was to relax as much as I possibly could. With my arms outside the covers, she’d run her fingers lightly from my shoulders to the tips of my fingers to help me visualize relaxing my body. After a few moments of this, with a soothing voice she’d say, “Ready for the test?” To which I’d smile and nod, “I’m ready.”

Then one arm at a time, my mom would pick up my hand, holding loosely around my wrist, and slowly, gently, wiggle my arm back and forth. If I’d done a good job relaxing, my arm would weigh heavy and wave like a wet noodle in the air. And then, the best part, when my arm reached ultimate noodle status she’d let go, and my arm would flop onto my covers.

It was my favorite, much-requested, sleepy-time trick, and I’m pretty sure it worked like a charm.

As an adult, I’ve moved on to new rhythms to help me fall asleep. But lately even with all the tricks in the bag, during the time of COVID-19 where unknowns, fears, and anxiety are aplenty, it has proven difficult to get a peaceful night of sleep. I don’t know about you, but I’ve been tossing and turning a lot. It takes me forever to fall asleep. And lately, even COVID related nightmares have made an appearance.

What I’ve recognized is, if I want to get a good night’s sleep, I have to be super intentional about what I do leading up to lights out. In reality, what we do at the beginning or middle of our day impacts our sleep quality; but right now, I’d like to focus on the last hour before bed, and offer you a practice to help you get a peaceful night of sleep during the time of COVID.

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A practice to get peaceful sleep during Covid-19

1. No more news ­– Two hours (or more) before bed, slow your scroll, shut down anything Covid related, and start moving into a quieter mindset.

2. Get ready for bed – Once you’re ready to go to bed, do your normal bedtime routine and find a comfy spot to sit or lay.

3. Read Psalm 13 – written here for you, out loud. I’ve chosen this Psalm for you because here, the psalmist beautifully models the practice of lament. Lament is a form of prayer that invites us to voice our distress, frustration, grief, or anger with the Lord. What I love about this Psalm is how it starts with lament and ends with praise.

   Psalm 13

   How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?
       How long will you hide your face from me?
   
   How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
       and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
       How long will my enemy triumph over me?
   
   Look on me and answer, Lord my God.
       Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,
   and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
       and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

   
   But I trust in your unfailing love;
       my heart rejoices in your salvation.
   I will sing the Lord’s praise,
   for he has been good to me.
   

4. Pour out your heart to the Lord – Click this link, which will lead you to my Sleep in Peace Playlist – a playlist of 5 songs I’ve chosen to accompany you through your own time of lament.

   • During the first three songs, pour out how you’re feeling to the Lord. If you’re frustrated, tell him. If you’re overdone, tell him. Whisper it out loud, or write it down if that serves you better. Get raw, and honest with Him. He can take any level of emotion that you feel.

   • Once “I Am Not Alone” (the fourth song) starts, move into a posture of praise. Let the lyrics of these last two songs wash over you. Ask the Lord to meet you where you are, and pour His love and peace over you.

5. Breath prayer – If you’re not there already, climb into bed, and get cozy. As you settle in, use Psalm 4:8 as a breath prayer (something you pray in conjunction with inhales and exhales).

   ·      Inhale – I will sleep in peace

   ·      Exhale – For you, Lord make me dwell in safety

   Breathing slowly, recite the words of the Psalm as you inhale and exhale. Continue the breath prayer over and over again, and begin relaxing your body. Start with your face – relax your eyes, mouth, jaw, then move to your shoulders, all the way down to your toes. Continue until your body is relaxed, and you slip into peaceful sleep.

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The reason I think this practice can be successful is - the more we press into the Lord and relinquish control of our worries into His strong and capable hands, the more we get to experience the peace that He has for us. I love Psalm 4:8 because it reminds me of how sleep plays into that. Sleep is a gift from the Lord - a time where we get to fully escape whatever weighs us down - but it’s also an opportunity for us to demonstrate that we trust Him. By laying our concerns at his feet as we climb into bed, we put our trust in Him and claim the truth that - I will sleep in peace, for you, Lord make me dwell in safety.

I’ve done this practice a few times over the past few weeks, and on those nights, sleep has come easier and more peaceful. Whether you do all of it or just a piece, my prayer is that this practice might help you release more and more of your heaviness into the Lord’s hands and get peaceful sleep during this time.

How to Embrace Unknowns

At 4:45 in the morning, I launched myself out of bed in a fit of rage. “Seriously, Finn?” I shouted at my cat as I pounded my feet towards the stairway. Realizing my head had yet to catch up to its violent awakening and that I didn’t really want to start my morning pummeling head first down the stairs, I paused, closed my eyes, and took an angry inhale.

For the past 6 months we have been dealing with health issues with our cat. What started as random bouts of itching turned into aggressive scratching, missing patches of fur, and open cuts on his face, ears, and chin. After numerous trips to the vet, visits with a holistic pet nutritionist, a complete diet overhaul, and various medications, our question remains; why won’t he stop itching?

Sometimes he gets better and we think we’ve turned a corner, and then other days it’s as if he’s attempting to scratch his whiskers off. This maniacal behavior combined with perpetual repetition – enough to wake one up in the wee hours of the morning – is what transforms an innocent unknown into an exasperated conniption.  

“Go downstairs, Finn!” I yelled as I stomped to the first floor where I could close a few doors to lock him out of our bedroom and prevent myself from hearing him itch. In my sleepy stupor, I tripped over his water bowl, sent a wave of water onto the wood floor, and drenched my foot in the puddle I created. My fury erupted in a passionate “UGHHHH!!”

Seriously, Lord? I thought. I can’t do this anymore.  

As I climbed back into bed, despite the looming cloud of madness, I knew deep down that the root of my anger wasn’t my cat. It wasn’t the fact that he was itching or even that he woke me up for the 26th time way before the sun came up. The problem was, as soon as I heard Finn itching, my mind immediately jumped on the anxious hamster wheel of unknowns. Could it be food related even though we’ve already switched him several times? What’s wrong with our house? Is there some unidentified allergen? What if it’s bad for my health too? What if we never figure out what causes the issue? What if he never stops itching? What if he dies because of it?

Each of these questions, anxiety producing in their own rite, is strung together with one common denominator – how do I deal with the unknown? 

Embracing the unknown as a child of God

Sitting on the cold, brown leather couch in my counselor’s office one month, I recounted how one of the stressors impacting my anxiety recently was a barrage of unknowns, one of them being this unrelenting struggle to understand my cat’s itchiness. I told her that my biggest struggles with unknowns are fear of worst case scenarios, fear of failure, and the troubling lack of control; and I vocalized my understanding that the surplus of hours spent trying to manipulate a situation that is simply out of my control was a very slippery slope launching me into a sticky pit of anxiety.

After listening to me share and affirming the validity of my frustration she said, “Embracing the unknown is an important part of being a child of God.”

Processing that truth for a moment, I took a deep resigning breath and agreed – she is 1000% correct. We have an awesome God who reveals who He is through His word, but we cannot and will not know everything about how He operates or how everything in our lives will take shape. There’s both beauty and conviction in this truth.

Before Jesus went to the cross, He talked to the disciples about when He would return to earth for a second time and said, “But about that day or hour no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father. Be on guard! Be alert! You do not know when that time will come.” (Mark 13:32-33 NIV) Jesus was fully human and fully God, and yet He too lived in the tension of unknowns.  

If we want to follow Jesus and truly surrender our lives to Him, we must recognize that an important aspect of trusting God is embracing the truth that there will always be an element of unknown in our lives.

Shifting our perspective

A month ago, I pursued yet another attempt to minimize my cat’s itchiness – I bought an air purifier. I spent several days researching options and landed on one with glowing reviews regarding allergies. Maybe this will be it! Maybe this will finally banish the itch! I thought.

Amazon dropped the package on my front porch a few days later and I frantically opened the box and got the unit up and running. I had no idea if this would actually work, but I was extremely hopeful and truthfully, quite a bit desperate at this point.

“Please, Lord. Let this be it! Let this be the solution,” I prayed over and over again.

In the quiet of my bedroom as I listened to the whir of the machine at work, I heard the Lord convict me – Mindy, yet again you are putting your hope in something unpredictable, something you do not know, when you could be placing your hope in ME.

We may not know what God has in mind, but we do know WHO He is. We know that He is an almighty God. He is a Healer. He is our protector. He advocates for us. He sympathizes with our pain. He loves us SO much that He sent His son to save us from the separation created by sin. And He does not leave us to fend for ourselves in the unknowns.

When we fix our eyes on who God is, we shift our perspective and suddenly the things unknown seem much more manageable.  

Relinquishing control

I’m still tempted to entertain thoughts about worst scenarios; I don’t love the lack of control; and I’m afraid that this most recent attempt at fixing Finn’s itchiness will fail. BUT, I’ve learned that by putting my trust in God, I no longer need to live under the weight of those what ifs. I can free myself of their doom and gloom by speaking truths about who God is and knowing that I am under his loving care.

I don’t know if Finn’s itchiness will be healed on this side of heaven, but I know that God is with me and will love me, guide me, and give me strength to endure whatever comes my way.

Friends, if you are living in the midst of an unknown and wrestling with the weight of its existence, let me proclaim this truth; living with unknowns is not a punishment – it’s an opportunity to relinquish control and place our trust in the One who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine.

We are living in the tension of unknowns together; You are not alone in this. If you need an ear to listen, and a voice to remind you of the goodness of our Father, please reach out. I’m here for you.

Together, let’s walk humbly in the direction God leads us and know that He will give us strength as we navigate this world full of unknowns.

Proof of spending time in the Word is endurance

Last week my biceps were so sore from water skiing that I could hardly lift a gallon of milk. And this week, I can hardly sit on the toilet – it’s brutal getting down, painful getting up, and the toilet seat presses right onto my sore glutes and hamstrings. Go ahead and giggle. The struggle is real.  As uncomfortable as tight muscles can be, I love being sore because it’s proof that I worked hard and that I’m building strength.

If sore muscles and building strength are evidence of physical training, what’s the proof of spiritual training?

1 Timothy 4:8 says, “For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come.”  According to this verse, the value of spiritual training is endless, which I completely agree with; but what I’m discovering lately is, proof that I’ve been spending time in the Word is my endurance increases. The more time I spend in the Word, or pray, or listen for the Lord to speak, the more able I am to endure whatever anxiety, fear, or anger comes my way.

Growing up playing volleyball, at the beginning of every season the captains of the team organized conditioning practice.  This practice was completely separate from our normal bump, set, spike drills and did not even involve a volleyball; instead, it consisted of sprints, running up and down the bleachers, ab exercises, and strength training. The point of conditioning was less about learning a specific skill and more about helping our bodies adapt or endure through an exercise program. The more endurance we built up in conditioning practice, the longer and stronger we could play at our peak performance during a vigorous match. 

What’s interesting to me is, when I notice that I’m out of breath quickly or struggling to lift my over packed beast of a suitcase into my trunk, the first thing out of my mouth is “Oh my gosh, I am so out of shape.”  Or – “Man, I need to hit the gym.” I see the evidence of weakness, and know the solution is to increase my physical training.

But when I feel anxious, or fearful, or I cling to anger like a life preserver, my first response isn’t, “When was the last time I was in the Word?” It’s more like, “This sucks. How do I make this stop? What’s wrong with me?” And further down the anxious rabbit hole I go. 

The last time I suffered an anxiety attack, I got mad that the Lord didn’t stop my anxiety in its tracks. With a tight chest and shallow breath, I accusingly cried out to Him saying, “God! Break me free from this!  I know you can – so why aren’t you? Break me free!”

I recited all the scripture I’ve locked into my mind for moments such as this. I proclaimed the name of Jesus. I cried out for help. Yet there I was, stuck in the trap of anxiety.

In that moment, I was so consumed with the fact that God hadn’t broken me free from the anxiety right when I wanted him to, that I lost sight of the truth that even though life with Jesus is not a guarantee that I will be freed from every hardship that comes my way, it is an absolute promise that I will be able to endure it. 

Spending time reading the Bible is not a “get out of anxiety free” card.  BUT it is an assurance and a guarantee that I will be able to endure. 

The more time I spend in the Word, the more I can lock the truth that Jesus will not let me go into my memory.  The more I can claim His victory over the evil one.  The more I can remember the truth that this too shall pass, that with Christ I am able to endure anything.

Just like strength training will enable me to lift heavier objects and run farther distances without losing my breath, spending time in the Word will give me strength and remind me that God is in control. The problem is, when I’m slacking in the “getting in the Word” department, my heart gets out of shape and I lose sight of that truth. 

If we don’t take the time to condition our bodies, we can’t expect them to up and run a half marathon out of nowhere.  And the same goes with spiritual training.  If we want to see the proof, endurance in moments of weakness, we need to constantly and consistently prepare our hearts. 

I don’t know about you but I need to hit the “weights” and build up my spiritual endurance.  I want to be so strong that whenever weakness shows its face, there will be absolutely no doubt in my mind that I am able to endure.  Together let's bathe ourselves in the Word and Truth of our heavenly Father and savior Jesus Christ. Let's fix our eyes on His truth, make Jesus’ name known, and endure any storm that comes our way.

Dependent on the Lord

I have been gone every single weekend since the beginning of June. It has been one engagement after another making this an uncharacteristically crazy season. One night last week, I sat next to my hubby on the couch and nervously asked, "Do you feel like we're disconnected?"I didn't think we were, but I wanted to make sure that he was on the same page.

"No... I actually feel like this season has brought us closer!" He said.

A tentative smile spread across my face as sweet chills ran up my spine. "Really? How so?"

After a brief moment, he responded, "I've intentionally poured more into you. And you've been more dependent on me."

In two short sentences, he described this season in our marriage perfectly.  Digging my heels in to writing my book proposal and wrestling anxiety that has been more intense than usual, I have been dependent on my husband like never before.

He’s been my…

• Reprieve when my brain can’t pen words on a page anymore
• Comic relief when I want to poke my eyes out
• Gentle hand on my arm when I need grounding
• Strong affirmer – “You are doing great.  You are fighting so hard.” – when it feels like my anxiety is winning 
• Constant, whole-hearted, no-limits source of love

There was one night this summer where he was out of town for work and his absence was uncomfortable. Oh my goodness. I thought. Without Chris here to break me free from the mind circles within me, or shift my focus from anxiety to laughter, I feel like a hot mess.

In that moment, I recognized how very dependent on my husband I have become. That’s how we are supposed to be in marriage; clinging to each other in a helpful, support-each-other-so-well sort of way that the presence is noticeably different in their absence. 

Reflecting on how much I’ve learned to depend on him in this season was a sweet moment, but it was also a strong reminder of how the Lord wants us to depend on Him. 

My husband is a trust-worthy, encouraging, loving man; but his goodness cannot even touch the greatness of our heavenly Father who lovingly, tenderly holds us fast even when we don’t recognize it.

A metaphor that has been resonating with me lately is thinking about the Lord as our anchor. No matter how crazy the surface gets - storms, 10 foot waves, or a peaceful presence that only a gentle breath of wind can disturb - He grounds us.  We cannot and will not flip over, even in a tsunami, because He is not just one of those sissy anchors that looks like your stereotypical sailor tattoo.  He’s an anchor the size of the size of a cruise ship – one that looks like a bear trap sunk into the depths of the sea, clawing the earth so deeply that no wind can shift its location.  Nothing can loosen His grip on us. No storm, big or small, makes Him any less dependable – He is always there.

Leaning into Chris in this busy season has been life giving and incredibly beneficial for both of us and our marriage, but even more important than being dependent on my husband is being wholeheartedly dependent on the Lord. 

Allowing ourselves to depend on someone is not always easy. Our common fear is - What if I lean in to someone and they let me down? Unfortunately this is a reality that we must face with fellow humans, but not with our everlasting Father.  He will never, ever let us go.

This truth brings comfort to my soul and a steadiness to my anxious heart.  My prayer is that it might do the same for you.  Together let’s stand on the ledge and trust fall into the steady, capable, dependable arms of our Savior.

photo by Caroline Howard

My niece's arrival - witnessing childbirth

For the past 2 weeks, every time I went to bed I clicked the button on the side of my phone, raising the volume to the max.  Months earlier, my pregnant sister and brother-in-law asked me to support them in labor and delivery as doula and photographer. The plan was to message me when contractions started and I’d meet them at the hospital.  I wasn’t going to miss anything if my sister, now rapidly approaching her due date, went into labor in the middle of the night. 

On April 4th at 3:21 am a loud ding startled me from sleep.  Reaching for my phone, it didn’t register until through blurry eyes I read, “Sooooo it’s happening…” My eyes snapped open, and with a large gasp, I smacked Chris across the chest.  “Chris!! It’s happening!!! She’s in labor!!”  The second text read, “Keep sleeping.  I’ll keep you posted.” But there was no way that was happening; this was it! 

Chris and I prayed together, and I was up and into the shower.  Thankfully a few weeks earlier, I made a list for my own hospital bag.  Essential oils to diffuse in the room, snacks and drinks to sustain me and my brother-in-law, sweatpants, water, and my camera.  Taking a lot of deep breaths, I got myself ready, packed my bag and waited. 

The waiting period was excruciating.  My nerves, anxious tendencies and the emotional high of what was about to happen pressed me to the floor of my office.  Like a cat, I curled my arms and legs underneath my body and pressed my forehead into the carpet.  I’m going to throw up. I thought.  The mental battle between the lies telling me I couldn’t handle this and the truth that I could do it, and would do it no matter what, was brutal.  One might’ve thought I was in labor with all the deep, vocal yoga breathing I was doing to pull myself together.  I was a full on hot mess.  And then the text came – “We’re packing up the car, see you in a minute”.  They decided to pick me up on the way (we live a block away from each other) so I peeled myself off the floor, put one uncertain foot in front of the other and chanted in the dark, “I have power in Jesus’ name. I have power in Jesus’ name.”  

As soon as I buckled my seatbelt, and breathed with my sister through a contraction, I knew I could do this.  I had prepared myself for this moment with lots of prayer, a book called The Birth Partner, and wisdom from a doula friend.  With Christ as my rock, I was ready. 

Little did I know, this was just the beginning of the 35 long hours it would take to bring my niece into the world.

The morning progressed quite beautifully.  3 cm, 4.5 cm, to 6 cm – my sister was well on her way and handling each contraction like a rock star.  Settled into her beautiful, spacious room at the Aurora Women’s Pavilion birthing center, the mood was light and the energy was positive.  She ordered breakfast, laughed, walked, squatted, showered and breathed through contractions.  Like a well-oiled machine, my brother-in-law and I took turns squeezing her hips to relieve pain during contractions and resting in between. 

At 2:00pm, my mom and dad left the room (they were at the hospital the entire time, too) and the nurse was in between rounds.  I told my brother-in-law to sleep and planted myself in a comfortable rocking chair.  Rocking gently, calming my own nerves and matching the tone of the room, a soft smile rose on my face as tears welled in my eyes.  The peace in the room was overwhelming.  Tears slipped out my right eye, dampening my cheek as I admired my sweet sister innately, seemingly effortlessly breathing through a contraction while she slept.  Here I sat in this monumental moment, this thin place before my niece’s birth - I was overcome.  

By 6:00 pm, things took a turn.  My sister was visibly more uncomfortable and the cervix check informed, no progress.  Steady at 6 cm, exhausted and wanting to save energy for the big push, she decided it was time for an epidural.  Peace drained out of the room as the anesthesiologist rattled through risks and warning signs.  My chest tightened and my stomach lurched; I knew how terrified my sister was in this moment and that this necessary, but unexpected change to our sweetly developed rhythm would be a hurdle. 

This was a heavy moment for me – having to step out while the procedure took place I felt utterly and completely out of control, which I was. It was ultimately a waiting game now, and inactive waiting in this uncharted territory did not come easy; I was a fish out of water.  Now in the guest lounge, I contested sleep until my husband spoke tender words of assurance.  “You will get back into your rhythm babe, but right now you need to rest.”  45 minutes later, the largest chunk of sleep I would have that night, I sprang back into action and sent my mom to take her turn to rest. 

As April 4th became April 5th, progress was slow but steady.   Between changing positions to urge baby down and a pitocin drip to get things going, my sister rested and threw up.  Yeah… I know, completely unfortunate, although in and of itself it’s a great sign indicating a progression to the final phase of labor. 

At 3:50 am, 28 hours after her first contraction, my mom and I heard the nurse proclaim the news – she’s complete! I jumped out of the rocking chair, as we looked at each other and cheered silently and clapped without sound.  “Time to wake her husband?” I asked the nurse.  “Yes, I think so!” she happily exclaimed.   It was time for the pushing to begin. 

Exhausted but eager, my sister began to push.  10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1 break, 10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1 and back in again.  The nurse warned us that first time mom’s often push for as long as 2-3 hours, but 3 hours later, baby was still happily inside.  My sister was exhausted and craving more “epidural juice” and my brother-in-law and I were in survival mode.  Wait for a contraction to peak.  Hold her legs.  Count her through 4 pushes.  Cheer her on.  Breathe.  Step back.  Sway (my new favorite way to cope with anxiety).  Take a drink of water.  Take a quick walk while my mom stepped in for some rounds.  Do it all over and over again.

At 6:16 am, in zombie land, I texted my husband, “I will not be having a baby anytime soon…lol.”  But what I was really thinking was… “Or ever.  Yeah, maybe not ever.”

Four hours into pushing, conversations between the staff started to happen.  “Is she face up?”  “Do we need to turn the baby?”  “Is mom getting too tired?” And finally, an hour and a half later, the dreaded discussion, “Baby is still happy, but given that you’ve been pushing for 5.5 hours, it’s time to consider the vacuum or a c-section.”  Fatigue and defeat lined my sister’s furrowed brow.  “Don’t get defeated,” I commanded. “We’re not there yet!  Right now you need to rest. We’ll figure it out when the doctor comes.” 

With another contraction on the rise, it was decision time.  A doctor came in to check baby’s status and we started cheering my sister on. “Show her what you got!” “Let’s push that baby out!” “We don’t need a vacuum – you’re so close!” “You got this!”  This exceedingly tense moment was drenched with an abundance of encouragement.  My sister’s hospital bed was surrounded – my brother-in-law up by her head, me holding one leg, my mom beside me, 2 midwives, a doctor, and a nurse – and we were all cheering and championing my sister to press this baby into the world. 

What followed was truly the most amazing thing I have ever witnessed (and I do not use that kind of statement lightly – I’m dead serious).  It’s as if the threat of needing other options to bring baby girl into the world was the perfect motivation, because my sister pushed with every ounce of strength in her body.  Surprised, with an excited but panicked note in her voice, the doctor who was there to explore the other options said, “Oh my goodness! Baby is right here!”

“Keep going Steph!” We exclaimed. “She’s so close!”  I could see my niece’s head; she was crowning!  I shook off tears now blurring my vision and focused on encouraging my sister.  “Push push push push push!”

Beside me was a quick shuffle as the doctor cried out– “Oh my goodness! This baby is coming!  We don’t have a delivery team ready – get a team ready!”  In a rush, nurses and technicians threw on blue gowns, gloves, and hairnets to do all the necessary things to usher this baby into the world. 

Holding my sister’s left leg, my view of this epic showcase was unobstructed.  Baby girl’s head covered lightly with dark brown hair was now fully emerged! One of the midwife’s hands, which I feared might squish her, pulled my niece gently as my sister groaned and gave one ginormous final push.  Her head, her neck, her shoulders, her long arms and tiny fingers were out! The rest of her small body followed in a blur as she slid into the world and was immediately placed on her mom’s chest.  Tears streamed down my face and I proclaimed “Praise Jesus! She’s here!”

Tension broke and celebration erupted!! “You did it!! She’s here! Good job mama!” Even the midwives wiped tears from their eyes as this strong, boss of a woman, pushed for 6 long hours (the longest they’d ever experienced) to bring the most precious, perfect little girl named Lola into the world. 

In that moment, so completely overwhelmed by the display of God’s awesome wonder and power, my “I’m never having kids” thought transitioned to, “That was the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen.  Maybe someday…”  

All the stress, anxiety, tension, fear, defeat was rushed away in one massive gush like the blood that now poured out of my sister’s body.  No joke, one thing I had not expected was the surge of blood that followed baby Lola out; it was like a bad horror movie.  Think Monty Python and the Holy Grail, when they cut the black knight’s arms off and fake blood spurts out. Let’s just say, I now have a memento of my niece’s birth on my shoe.

In awe of what my sister’s body had just done, I couldn’t help but look on as the placenta emerged and the cord was cut; everything was finished.  I’m so glad the midwife noticed my interest and asked if I wanted to see the placenta, its job now complete. God’s creative mastermind was again reflected in this beautiful organ, often called the tree of life.  Google it, it’s gorgeous. 

My mom and I completely overjoyed, shared some hugs and tears, and looked on as the new mom and dad cried and cooed over their precious little girl.  Relinquishing my role as doula, I put on my photographer hat and snapped away. 

Making my way around the room to capture this tender moment in time, one of the midwives paused me and said, “We found your calling... We both [her and the other midwife] agree that you should be a doula.”  Caught off guard, I said, “Wow!  Really?”  With assurance she nodded - “You knew exactly what to say to calm your sister right in the moments she needed it most – you could have a future as a birth worker.”   I was taken aback; with my right hand pressed to my chest by shock and thanksgiving, I said “Wow. Thank you. That means SO much.”

What she didn’t realize was, her affirmation was exactly what I needed after my job was finished and baby girl was here.   After all the prayers, all the preparation, all the anxiety, I had done my job and done it well.  It was as if the Lord had spoken through the midwives’ sweet affirmation to tell me, “Well done, good and faithful servant.” I was astounded.

Praise dripped out of room 2009 in the birthing center – the Lord had been our rock in the heavy moments, our breath when the tension was high, and gave us an epic (I can’t stop using that word) display of the wonder and power of His creation through the birth of His precious daughter, Lola.

“For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.  
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”
– Psalm 139:13-14

Childbirth is the craziest, most intense, but earth shatteringly beautiful thing.  My sweet sister, I am so proud of you and eternally grateful for this opportunity to stand beside you, and your husband, and witness the birth of your daughter.  My life was impacted by this monumental day.

One sure-fire way to quiet anxiety

The other day, I was staring in the mirror, straightening my hair when I noticed something alarming.  I strained my body over the bathroom counter, pressed my face a breath away from the mirror and instantly started sweating; one of my pupils was bigger than the other!  Rapidly zooming my glare from one eye to the other I noticed, my left eye looked normal but my right eye appeared as if it alone had taken a trip to the eye doctor for dilation.  Taking a deep breath, I tried not to panic – but that effort was too little, too late.  Anxiety dug in it’s heels and overwhelmed me. 

I have what I like to call a “special” body.  Sometimes I say that lightheartedly with a chuckle and an eye roll, and other times I say it through gritted teeth.  Through the past 7 years, I’ve struggled with the results of a hypermobile body.  I’ve had painful issues with both clavicles, my right hip, ribs and forearms; but I’ve come to terms with it.  I’ve chosen to accept my body for the oddness that it is, and learn how to care for it better.  In this moment, with one owl-eye, the resigned acceptance of my “special” body disappeared.  I was frustrated, confused, and rudely greeted by the all-too familiar symptoms of anxiety – instant sweat (in a heavy bout), shallow breathing, and panicked, unrealistic, thinking. 

Someone without anxious tendencies might look at uneven pupils and think “hmm.. that’s weird.  I wonder if my eyeballs have always been like that.”  Or, quite honestly, they might not even notice.  And then there’s me – hyper aware of my body, sometimes to a fault, rattled and thinking “I probably have a brain tumor.”

The combination of anxiety and a tricky body can easily be a recipe for disaster.  But through years of experience, I’ve learned one sure-fire way to quiet anxiety. 

The most distinguishable characteristic about anxious thinking is that it is not rational.  It’s like all of a sudden all of your logical, mental warriors take a nap, and in rush the crazy ones – the ones that say senseless things like “Something is definitely wrong with you.” “It’s probably life-threatening.” “Remember that one terrifying thing you googled – yup, that’s what you have…”  “This is serious… definitely serious.”

When I’m struggling with these absurd thoughts, the last thing I want to do is admit them to someone else.  To bring a “normal” thinking human into my unreasonable cloud of thoughts feels humiliating.  But here’s the thing – speaking anxious lies out loud is one sure-fire to take away anxiety’s power.   Instead of giving in to the temptation to shut myself in with my irrational, panicked thinking, I’ve learned that the first thing I need to do is reach out.

Frozen in front of my mirror, freaked by my huge pupil I took a deep breath, exhaled loudly and rushed downstairs to find my husband.  With wide eyes, I showed him my pupils and exclaimed, “What’s wrong with me?”  Tenderly, Chris talked me off the ledge.  He assured me I wasn’t going to die instantly, and spoke truth over me reminding me my enlarged pupil was most likely related to the tightness in my neck and headache I had been battling that week.

The only way to combat the lies of anxious thinking is with truth.  And when we can’t speak truth to ourselves, we have to invite others in to do so. 

After inviting my husband to speak truth over me, I decided to take it one step further.  I called my eye doctor.  Another one of the lies that anxiety likes to sell to health anxiety sufferers like myself is “Don’t call your doctor – he’ll only affirm you of the impending doom that you are fearing!” Let me go ahead and say a whopping, “FALSE!” to that one. 

I’ve realized that staying better in touch with my health professionals through yearly checkups, or asking questions when I’m concerned has helped me keep my anxiety at bay.  Case in point – my eye doctor graciously encouraged me not to panic and made space in his schedule to see me the next day.  At my appointment I found out that my uneven pupils are simply another anomaly in my body.  He affirmed me that it was most likely a consequence of my headache and encouraged me to just keep an eye on it - no pun intended ;) 

Leaving the eye doctor, I felt 100 lbs lighter not just because I was assured that I was okay, but because I had taken a pro-active step to take away anxiety’s power.  You know what I did next?  Went home and popped a bottle of champagne because moments of victory over anxiety deserve to be celebrated.

If you’re a health anxiety sufferer like me, my prayer is that you would be encouraged by these 3 things:

1. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.  Need to be convinced?  Shoot me an email – I’d be happy to give you plenty of examples of the crazy things I’ve had anxiety over.
2. Speak your anxiety out loud – We can combat anxiety's lies with truth - admit your anxious thoughts to a friend or a family member and invite them to speak truth over your mind.
3. Your doctor is not your enemy – Throughout the years I’ve built a team of medical professionals (physical therapist, chiropractor, masseuse, eye doctor and dentist) who know that I have a “special” body and they understand my struggle with it.  They don’t roll their eyes at me when I admit a weird question, they kindly explain what they see and assure me that my “special” body is not a weakness.  Have a doctor who doesn’t make you feel comfortable? Find a new one.  They should be there to support you. 

Anxiety is a real jerk - but we don’t have to be willing victims.  Stand your ground and invite others to help you take away its power.